Monday, May 30, 2011

In flight, May 30, Oakland-Seattle

So here's the deal. I'm on a plane now: Alaska Airlines Flight 345, Oakland to Seattle, pretty much my "regular" flight when I commute to PopCap. I'm typing on my iPad, and using the inflight wifi, confirming that I am, in fact, communicating with you from the future. Huzzah!

The problem with this flight today, other than the 1.5 hour delay (second one in a week), is that I'm flying on Memorial Day, which not only means I'm not home on the holiday like I should be, but also that the plane is full of civilians, as snobby frequent fliers like me like to call you. Rubes and mouth-breathing morons are two other technical terms, though we try to only use those in our secret meetings.

Anyway, so I have a couple with two screaming babies behind me, and a guy next to me who smells like he hasn't bathed since Hee Haw went off the air in the 70s. And the guy two seats down from me keeps snuffling his nose so loudly I can hear it through my noise-canceling headphones.

I know what you may be thinking: Boy, this Jeff Green character is a real curmudgeonly asshole! To which I can only respond: Welcome to my blog! But, look, I fly a lot now, so what little patience I had in humanity is severely tested aboard these flying tin cans, especially when the guy next to me smells like a soggy bag of dog flatulence. It's times like these that I wish the airports had delousing and decontamination chambers at the gates. I've written letters to all the major airline airlines repeatedly now for months, but oddly, I've yet to receive a single reply, despite me adding "READ NOW OR ELSE" on the front of every Yu-Gi-Oh envelope used for this correspondence.

There's nothing you can do about screaming babies on planes. Nothing legal or socially acceptable, anyhoo. And hey, I've been there. Not only did I used to have my own screaming baby on planes back in the day, but just two weeks ago I was screaming myself when the flight attendants ran out of peanuts before it was my turn. I'm tearing up a little even thinking about it now. But, ya know, smelly passengers--that's another thing. It seems like the bare minimum one should do before confining oneself in a closed space with strangers for a couple hours is to make sure beforehand that one is not emanating a rotten, fetid, and/or fecal odor from one's body, but maybe that's just me. Maybe this guy is proud of his stench, or doesn't actually notice the flowers wilting and dogs whimpering and women fainting as he walks by.

The upside of this situation is that it is giving me something tocthink about and share with you on this flight, which you in turn can share with your children, and their children, and so on. As those noted rock emissaries Journey once astutely noted, "the wheel in the sky keeps on turning." As I look out the window of the airplane right now and gaze at the infinite sky, all I can do is say, "yeah, it does."

I hope you have enjoyed my heartfelt ruminations on this flight, as it has made me feel close to each and every one of you. I hope you feel the same. Now I'm going to blast some Beastie Boys into my ears and try to breathe in as little as possible until this flight lands and I can get the heck out of here.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad


Pavan Rajam said...

I hear you Jeff.
As a Marylander who goes to college in Indiana, I have to fly home whenever i come back, and I run into the same sort of issues.

I mean it even comes down to people's basic inability to make their way through the security check point in a timely and efficient manner. If you are flying you know you have to go through it at some point before you board your flight. Yet we always see these idiots at the checkpoints fumbling to get their shit straight. by the time i hit security, my iphone, wallet, belt, and all other things are off my person. Hell, I even walk with my cheeks spread open, just in case they decide to do a body cavity search on me because I'm brown and randomly selected for an extra screening

In any case, I hope some words of wisdom fromt he great george carlin will put a smile on your face, in spite of the cloud of dog flatulence that surrounds you.

part 1:

part 2:


Anonymous said...

You need to put some more thought into your blogs before you start insulting your fellow countrymen.

The guy who hadn't washed since Hee-Haw went off the air, for example... I'm guessing he was a farmer. Farmers, in case you didn't know, toil beneath the sun and the rain and the wind, and being exposed to the elements like that they likely perspire... like, a lot... unlike some people I could name who merely sit at desks all day living the soft life.

So, Mr. Green, you might want to think about that the next time you visit the grocery store and purchase agricultural products.

A disappointing blog which has revealed an elitist attitude hitherto unnoticed. A sad day for me.

Where do you think carrots come from? That they just grow up out of the ground?

Anonymous said...

Or that farmer could of taken a shower before getting on that flight..... I don't know about you but if I am sweating a lot I take a shower.

I like my fellow country men to smell somewhat nice or not at all.

He never said it was a farmer, the Hee-Haw comment is a reference of time, not who the person is.

Lastly yes carrots do grow up from the you think the grow from trees?

Keep up the great and amusing post Mr. Green

djmcg said...

I was just listening to some old GFW's, I've been a long time reader of your blog and I just wanted to get in touch with you and tell you two things 1.) You kick ass, sir. and 2.) You've given me years of great podcasts and V.G. journalism to listen to/enjoy - so thank you.

all the best,
Dan McG

Anonymous said...

First you are funny as always. Word of advice. You can pick your friends. You can pick your nose. But you cant pick your friends nose. I suggest a small container of Vick's vapor rub in your european shoulder bag. I saw it on a CSI episode.....the pick your friends nose part. RF

Kevin said...

How about some new age Beastie Boys:

Or you not into this new crap, old man Jeff?

chickdigger802 said...

Weird. During finals, I tend to want to be isolated from everything (friends, family, internet, etc), so I can study.

Get distracted hella easily =(

Have fun at home though! Home is always nice!

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