Monday, May 4, 2009

I lose things.

Sometimes I really hate being me.

Most of the time, I'm okay with it. I feel like I probably could have done worse, in the grand scheme of things, than being me. But one thing I really can't stand is that I am just horrendously absent-minded. No need to blame "old age" here, either--I've been this way for as long as I can remember, even though my memory is kind of crappy from being so absent-minded.

The way my absent-mindedness manifests itself most, and worst, is in my constant losing of things, or forgetting where I put things. Over the years, after much drama and angst, I have devised (mostly) fail-safe systems for certain crucial items, like my keys, which hang on a special key-holder thing by our front door. (This did not stop me, however, from losing the keys to my brand-new motorcycle awhile back.) My wallet, too, is now mostly safe from my dunderheadedness, though the fact that I'm typing this now is probably not a really good idea.

But as my wife and kid can tell you, I am the worst, by far, when it comes to glasses. I don't know what it is. It's like some kind of gypsy curse, or maybe a deep-rooted psychological desire to be blind. My inability to hold on to sunglasses is beyond laughable. At this point in my life, I just go to the 99 cent store, and buy multiple pairs at once, with the full knowledge and acceptance that if I can make four pairs last a month, I'm doing well. That's no exaggeration. I'm just terrible. I can't even tell you where they all are. Probably where all those stranded socks are. In Narnia! I set them down everywhere---apparently. Or maybe there's just some guy following me around all the time with 400 pairs of sunglasses to his name thanks to me. If so, and if you're reading this: You're welcome!

It's less funny, though, by far, when it comes to my prescription glasses.

My eyes, to put it in scientific terms, blow chunks. I'm not just nearsighted like your garden variety nerd. Oh, no. That'd be too easy. Instead, I have some kind of weird, unclassifiable issue that manifests itself in a form of double-vision, and which can at times make me look cross-eyed or lazy-eyed or just kind of stupid-looking. (The drool and coloring books probably don't help.) For better or worse, this is only a problem with my up-close vision: talking to people, reading, using the computer. For distance, I'm your standard near-blind guy with the coke-bottle lenses--always a hit with the ladies.

So here's how I have to deal with things. For distance, I wear regular contact lenses. I used to lose these all the time, too, and drop them and rip them (remind me to tell y'all the story of being lost in the middle of nowhere in Germany in 1984 with only one contact lens, which I then ripped, had to take out of my eye, and then keep wet by carrying in my mouth while walking nearly blind for five miles. Actually I guess I just told you.) But with the advent of disposable lenses, that's not really a problem anymore.

So I wear contacts all day long. But in order to read or use the PC or talk to people without looking like a crosseyed dimwit, I need to wear my "reading glasses", which have big-ass prisms built in to help correct the problem. They are awesome. They are also horrifically expensive. You see where this story is going?

So, yeah. I need to carry around my reading glasses all the time when I'm awake, to put on and take off whenever I need to read something or interact up close with anyone. And for an absent-minded guy like me, this is just a logistical nightmare. For awhile, I was doing the lanyard/braid over my head thing, even though it made me feel and look even older than I already am. And truthfully I should probably go back to that method. But that has its own problems, too, and gets annoying if it's a situation where they need to be off for long periods and I'm out in public and they're kinda flailing around. I don't carry a man-purse or murse or whatever they're called, which might help, but, then, I'd just lose that too. I *do* carry a backpack around a lot of the time, but, then that's not quite convenient enough access when I need to do a quick read of something.

So more often than not, I default to the easiest way out: I stick them in my shirt pocket. Those wondering why I usually wear button-down shirts over t-shirts, this is why. So I have a glasses pocket. Most of the time, this works just fine. It may not be the best for the lenses, but, for the most part, it makes me feel the most secure: they're right there, and I am constantly, semi-consciously patting my pocket all day to make sure they're there. The downside, though, is that they are prone to fall out, if I bend over, or take my sweater off in a haphazard manner....or any other number of scenarios.

And one of these scenarios, or maybe something entirely different--I don't really know-- happened on Friday night, and I am now without my reading glasses once again, glasses that cost $400 and that I just got three weeks ago, replacing the last pair (which I wrecked, but didn't lose.) I've done all the requisite quadruple-checking in every likely place, and these things are apparently gone, gone, gone, baby. Who knows? Maybe they flew out of my pocket on the motorcycle Friday night. Maybe I set them down while grabbing a handful of chips at the Sims TGIF. Maybe they're in Narnia. All I know is, I am without those glasses and am utterly frustrated with myself, again. Seriously, Jeff--again??



I will replace them. And I have cheapo backups that will get me by. And life will go on. And in the grand scheme of things, I guess I do mostly well at this whole "living" thing. But good grief do I get tired of being me sometimes. This is one of those times.

37 comments:

Moe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nate said...

I have the problem of constantly adjusting my glasses. I have snapped about 20 pairs in half during my obsessive messing. I've done it so much that I just have to buy the cheapest frames now, so that we don't lose so much money

Moe said...

I feel your pain. About a month ago I loss my iPod. Not quite the same but I was lost without it. And worst of all was the "silly little boy" look my wife gave. Btw, I'm not allowed to buy sunglasses anymore.

Mike said...

I used to lose sunglasses until I bought an expensive pair. Now I walk around paraniod, but at least I haven't lost them! I did however lose my ipod this month. You win some, you lose some!

piratebrido said...

I am blind (+9.45 in both eyes) so perhaps I am lucky in a way since I have to wear mine all the time.

protocolsnow said...

I feel ya. About two months ago, I was putting in my special contact lens when I blinked, knocking the lens off my finger. The lens bounced on the countertop straight into the drain of the sink ;___;

Had to pay $200+ for a replacement.

Chris Carey said...

This is expensive in the short term but maybe worth it: Have a pair that stays at home, have a pair that stays at the office and another pair maybe a cheapo one for travelling.

Alternatively look for products made for people who suffer short term memory loss such as a small beeper attachment triggered by a transmitter.

Prince Caspian said...

So I'm battling the White Lady, when both of my contact lenses fall out.

I then proceed to throw my hands in the air and cry to the great lion Aslan for aid, when from the heavens fall this magical visor made of glass. Truly the heavens smile upon my people this day!

Long story short, I have depth perception perception again, fought Miraz to the death, and I can drive at night now.

Stephen said...

Hey, what's with all these blog posts? I can't keep up anymore! Did you get banned from the twitter?

Anonymous said...

So...spend that $250 windfall yet? :p

darvoid said...

Here's a link to a great pair of glasses that can be fit w/ a prescription. Just humor me and look at the site. you wear them around your neck and they click together at the bridge of your nose. I use them every day at work. http://impulseclics.com/index.html
No need for pockets or setting them down. There's bound to be a style that you can live with. I hope this helps.

Tydigame said...

I have this problem, but it is with all the things my lovely wife Amanda tells me to do. :0/ Also, if you're still looking for something to spend your $250.00 on, I do not recommend /Wolverine/. It sucks.

Tydigame said...

I guess I should say, that /Wolverine/ comment isn't trolling, I just really think it sucks a lot.

Jeremy Steven Dreyer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brain Blurbs said...

Time to get that nipple piercing Jeff and chain your glasses to it. Women love it, I promise you!

Robert said...

Perhaps not the best thing to have in common, but I too am quite abscent minded for my own good. Hence you have my sympathy for these things, for what it's worth.

Though, about your glasses, there has got to be solutions for not losing them? Something that expensive should either be insured or have a way to definitely not lose. :P

Kent said...

I feel your pain. Except that I BREAK all my glasses. So I get to see my shame constantly.

Example: I had a pair of those 'unbreakable' silhouette frames. I proceeded to break the temple on the right side after having them for < 2 years. I paid $100 Dollars to have the temple piece replaced. 1 week later, I break the other one. EFF.

So, yeah, I feel your pain. Just buy some adamantium reinforced goggles, you should be good. Of course, they might eviscerate your face, but whatever.

Jin said...

i know that this is a sad post and everything but i'm kinda happy that your post lots.

sorry you lose things jeff, hope you don't lose anyhting important.

Anonymous said...

Get a bag, dude. Seriously, they are incredibly practical.


Also, it's good to see you blogging more often.

Kyle said...

Jeff, you just need to buy your glasses online, at someplace like www.zennioptical.com.

There, you can get a $300 pair of glasses for $25. After spending only $25 on several new pairs of glasses, it's done wonders for releasing me from glasses-damage paranoia. Who cares if I lose them or break them, now?

Zidan said...

I hear you, Jeff. I walk around patting my pockets all the time, worried every time I can't find my glasses, ring, DS, keys, etc. Woe is us.

Anonymous said...

You are not alone. I don't know how many sets of keys, wallets, creditcards I've lost over the years and I don't want to know. My brain is a clusterfuck in general.

I remember going to a store specifically to buy a pair of 500 swedish kr(~62$) headphones, handing the money to the clerk and leaving the store with the headphones still on the counter, totally unaware of buying anything.

I've forgotten to use plates when scooping up food in the school-diner, resulting in spagetti on the fucking tray.

I use buscards/bankcards and leave them in their readers all the time.

And I'm only 20 years old. The thought of me in 30 years makes me shudder.

Kevin said...

Holy crap! I thought I was the only one who's ever had to keep their contact lens moist by keepin it in their mouth. I've driven home in the rain before doin that. Horrible experience, had to drive so slow.

In any case, for your memory/aging/oldman issue, may I suggest some Ginkgo biloba tablets? I'm sure you can find some in your hippie town.

Anonymous said...

I can be sitting at my desk with a pen and lose it without even moving.

Typically this happens at my desk at home when I'm using the computer. I'll write something with it, put it down and it will vanish completely. I've never seen a pen actually dematerialize but that's the only explanation. I check the floor, under the keyboard, in the desk drawers, in my pockets -- it's just gone even though I didn't even stand up.

The same bastard that has all those sunglasses must have a massive collection of pens as well.

Anonymous said...

I'll bet that Johnny Wilson never would've lost his spectacles.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps you should not spend that $250...tjc

Onye said...

Wow. It's nice to know I'm not alone in my borderline ADD.

Josh said...

A week after I picked up my $300 glasses, I was working on a muffler of my car...took my glasses off and set them in the frame of the car and forgot them...weeks go by and I haven't found my glasses and then a thought struck me. "They are under the car!" When I looked I found the gnarled frames dangling from the car minus the lenses.

Stefan said...

I always pat down my pocket before I leave uni to make sure I haven't forgotten my USB, I've lost quite a few over the years. I also hope you didn't put those contact lenses back in your eye after walking five miles with them in your mouth, being someone who wears contacts everyday, I doubt that's safe.

Haywad Sharif said...

Don't trip chocolate chip, I lose my glasses all the time too. Well, I find them though, and they're not expensive anyway. Well sucks for you, at least your still Jeff Green.

Btw, when are your going to reveal what you spent that $2 fitty on?

Anonymous said...

Maybe he lost his password?
Just kidding Jeff.

Anonymous said...

Just ordered my set of FoFA's.
I'll let you know how they work out

http://www.findonefindall.com/

-Cameron

SirSavage said...

Don't you know anything about medieval myth, lost things are on the moon. see orlando furiouso, or however you spell that.

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optometrists indianapolis in said...

That must be really, really tough for you Jeff. Losing a $400 glasses in the most usual of situations can be very stressful. Maybe you can try telling yourself, like every hour, that you put your glasses in its case and put it in your pocket. Now that you mentioned the issue, I could ask my optometrist in Indianapolis for some tips on how not to misplace my eyeglasses.

My optometrist (Indianapolis, IN) might know some tips regarding this. Don't blame yourself too much, Jeff. Maybe someday, you can finally find out ways on how not to forget your precious eyeglasses.