Tuesday, December 9, 2008

The artichoke dabbler.

Last night, my wife served artichokes for dinner. We also had soup and bread and cheese, which was a good thing, because I am, as I announced at the dinner table, an artichoke dabbler. My daughter laughed at that announcement, but it really is true. Some foods are just things that you don't mind putting in your mouth once in awhile, because they're there, but they don't really do anything for you that makes you want to continue eating them. Artichokes is one of those foods for me.

I think the artichoke problem is compounded by the fact that it doesn't seem like food to me so much as a project. You can't just tackle it and shove it in yer mouth, like regular food. Oh no. You have to meticulously break off one leaf at a time. Then you don't really *eat* the leaf, you just kinda scrape the gunk off with your teeth, amassing a discard pile of gross, teeth-scraped leaves. Then, after all that, you have the heart to deal with. The way I always deal with the heart is to give it to someone else at the table, since they kind of make me sick.

So there it is. The artichoke is just 1) Too high maintenance, and 2) not much food for all the work you put in, and 3)not very tasty even for the little you get. In short, it's a lot of work for not much payoff.

Case fucking closed.


Unknown said...

Seconded, Jeff.

Artichoke hearts are great on salads. Not when eating them by themselves.

Anonymous said...


Unknown said...

let me guess, you don't put melted butter on them? That's your problem right there. Heart's the best part.

Macroe said...

People who don't like artichokes are either commies or morons. Case closed. But, if you mix artichokes with a nice peanut butter dressing you might just become Ryan Scott...

Nate said...

I've actually never had just plain artichokes, only in dips, but I must admit, I've been intrigued to try one regularly, even though the mighty Jeff Green has already tainted my mind.

J T 0 N said...

You are a much better blog writer than I am. It takes me a week and a half to write down virtually nothing of merit. And your work slaughters mine in quality, speed, and humor.

Good thing this isn't a job, or I would be fired from my blog.

Anonymous said...

Demian had it right. It's all about the butter. It's the cheapest dish out there that comes with a legitimate excuse to consume 5 Tbsp of melted butter.
But I'm with you Mr Green. I'll eat an artichoke, but never have I craved or prepared them for myself.

Eric Kotval said...

I agree, I've only ever had artichoke hearts a few times, but every time they just taste nasty. Too bitter for my tastes, but maybe it's because I've only ever had canned hearts. Better fresh, perhaps?

M said...

I'll second your artichokes and add crawfish to the list.

Jeff Green said...

LOL at Macroe. Well done sir!

Judasgoat said...

Artichokes belong in two places, neither of which is "alone on a plate."
Spinach/artichoke dip or on a pizza with its friend Prosciutto.
Dig it.

Anonymous said...

seconded on the pizza, although Pepperoni and artichoke hearts is really good as well.

Anonymous said...

Anyone remember that episode of the Little Rascals where the kid spent an hour peeling an artichoke?

That's what I think of whenever someone mentions that vegetable/fruit/alien-predator hybrid-egg-looking mother fucker.

And remember that Alfalfa kid, too?

Didn't you just want to smash his face into a monochromatic bloody pulp?

Kevin Elgar said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kevin Elgar said...

You have it lucky. From what I've witnessed, most parents encourage there children to eat the odd-looking delicate food. To ceremoniously joke in front of your wife and child (and moreover be honest) is a blessing many of us would love. :)

Anonymous said...

I've never tried melted butter. For me, it's mayonnaise. I look forward to artichoke season. It's one of the only times I ever venture into that area of the grocery store.

There is nothing like fresh steamed artichokes. I like the pickled type you get on salads and pizza but unpickled is best! Canned? Surely you jest!

For artichoke lovers, a truly horrifying story is how my family ate the artichoke leaves then tossed the heart thinking we were done.

Oliver Snyders said...

Haha! That was a surprise ending!

My word for the day: Bedneom!

Anonymous said...

Why do people post, and then delete their comments?

I always assume that the person wrote something kind of nasty, and then, later on, had regrets, or second thoughts, about the post, and so removed it.

But this was a blog about artichokes?

Difficult to see how a person could write something controversial there?

The Moose.

Peter Saumur said...

Sounds like pomegranate. I never understood the need to work out these massive seeds for such little fruit.

Sean Boocock said...

Well marinated artichoke hearts avoid these problems and are a great little project for yourself if you or any of your friends has a ton of artichokes to get rid of.

Or you can buy them up cheap at Trader Joes.

Anonymous said...

That and Crab. If you are hungry, even remotley kiss picking through a crab goodbye. You end up with bleeding fingers, no meat and a ragin need to bomb the crabs.

Ben said...

Hey Jeff! Don't worry, artichokes are now available in Hot Pocket form!


John Rivett said...

artichoke hears with butter and Dorito dust, mmmmm..

Anonymous said...

Alot of work, so little reward..
are you taking out your post-GFW rage on artichokes? (kidding!)

Don't choke the 'choke. It's a hard food to order out though. It's the same percentage of success as ordering a tuna melt at a shitty diner.

Which made me just realize... maybe your wife just doesn't make good artichokes?? I've had some good 'chokes in my time and those are definitely worth the work.

Anonymous said...

Deep Fried Artichokes from Rome italy are fantastic and would make even the biggest choke haters into choke lovers

Derek said...

I agree wholeheartedly, it's also the reason I don't seek out to dine on crab and lobster everyday; too much shell not enough meat.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if Jeff Green ever had the pleasure to go to dinner with some French publisher or business partner. When dinner takes from 8p.m. to 2a.m. you're happy about every course that is as little as possible.

Peter Saumur said...

So how do you feel about pickled Muppet hearts (les cours des Muppets)

Tydigame said...

Somewhere, there is a video game forum thread dedicated to artichokes, and you are getting flamed.

darvoid said...

Pre evacuated artichoke hearts in a jar work for me. I refuse to spend the time deconstructing, scraping, piling ANY foods for personal consumption. Lobster is another forbidden project food on my list. So, yeah, I'm with ya Jeff. Fuck Project foods.

Kevin Barboro said...

OMG! My daughter just laughed at one of my jokes! I am SO blogging about this!!!

tdous said...

OMG! You can use numbers in place of letters in your name and inappropriate use of the definite article is new and cool! I am SO blogging about this!!!

Unknown said...

Yeah, I can't really stand artichokes, but I definitely dabble in other foods. Pinto Beans come to mind. I don't ever really want pinto beans, but if they end up on my plate at dinner time, I'll have a bite or two of them. They don't fall into that category of foods I actively like, but I don't find them objectionable enough to fix myself a replacement vegetable.

Michael Black said...

I eat alot of strange things, Kangaroo, Sea Cucumber, chunks of ginger, whole squid, shark fin, pig's ear, chicken kidney, tripe. Never tried Artichoke, purely because I don't know how to do it, nor does my wife.
I always thought it was considered a flower more than a vegetable as well...

Unknown said...

Someone already mentioned the Little Rascals take on artichokes, but The Three Stooges also made their social comment. Attending a high society dinner, they each were given a large solo artichocke. Perplexed, they began tearing them apart and throwing away the pieces until they reached the heart, shrugged their shoulders, and threw that away as well. Jeff your just a Stooge understudy...

Anonymous said...

I had a dream that you were in the bathroom, puking into the toilet with your eyes watering. After a hurl you panted and got your breath back, and after a few seconds turned to me and said
"Hello....and Welcome, to GFW Radio"

Anonymous said...


I have one question...Are you crazy?! Artichokes are one of my favorites. And the heart is the best part, especially covered in butter...mmmmmm, butter...

Anonymous said...

Somehere in this world is some artichoke candy with your name on it. Once I find it, I'm gonna send it to you.

Anonymous said...

Hope the cheese pieces were nice. Never had artichoke. I don't like the name. The arti part sounds pretentious, and the choke isn't an appealing characteristic of food to me.

The Meehoo with an Exactlywatt said...

Jeff, I'm scared. I know a lot of it has to be the editing. but still.


Holy crap man. Seriously. What the hell?

Unknown said...

I feel the same way about crab legs... Too much work for not enough tasty meat.

Stephen said...

So the "lamb chops, green beans, and potatoes" were a lie?

Just like the cake was a lie???

The horror!

Anonymous said...

Jeff, are you going to write a festive blog this year? I also can't wait to read your year end blog - that should make for some interesting reading.

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