Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Dogs are dumb.

Hey look, here's a non-controversial post that we can all agree on! Dogs are stoopid! (Cue the Dogs Are Smart special interest group to show up and complain.)

Actually, maybe all dogs aren't dumb. But *mine* is. Cute, yes. Lovable, absolutely. Would I trade her in for a million dollars? Not on your life. But good grief, Mila: How many times must you dig in to my wife's purse, and eat something not-meant-for-eating---like a whole container of chapstick--then spend the night throwing up, before it sinks into your pea brain that maybe that wasn't a great idea? So, yeah. That's what happened last night. Now I'm here at EA, exhausted, because Lady Von NotSoBright ate something bad and kept me up while she attempted to purge her system all night. When I left for my ride to work, of course, she was finally zonked out asleep. Yeah, have a great rest, moronica!

"Hmmm, now what dumb thing can I do next?"

Of course, before we get all high and mighty about being smarter than dogs, we may want to consider this guy:


I think, regardless of our political affiliations, we can all agree that this young man should probably not have the right to vote in the upcoming election.


dylanj7 said...

Don't upset your dog, for they are a vengeful species. I used to verbally re-direct Oliver, my Shi-Tzu, and it usually ended with him urinating in choke-hold locations throughout the house, such as right outside bathroom doors (which he will only do once you go inside the bathroom)or in the unlit parts of the hallway.

MrCHUPON said...

Keep your mouse out of reach. In fact, keep your entire rig on your desk. Lest your videocard be shorted out due to urine overexposure.

Anonymous said...

I'm actually very bad when it comes to voting, I always vote mind you, but for all the wrong reasons. I'm philosophically democrat but I voted for the gop senator in my state cuz I was sick of that old fart we had as a dem...

Don't you live close to that dog whisperer guy???get him over to do his magic! Your kinda of a celebrity, maybe he will do it for free

Rhody said...

I'm here representing the Coalition for the Feelings of Jeff Green's Dog (CFJGD) and I am outraged.

Michael Adamek said...

After the morning I've had here at my work...man, I needed that laugh badly! Glad to see the animated gif was fixed! :)

Anonymous said...

Some dog went through our garbage the other day. As I was cleaning it up, I noticed it left most of the food alone and just ate a bunch of paper cups.

Anonymous said...

This is why cats are superior to dogs--you never see them pulling these sorts of stunts!

Patrick said...

There should be one simple test for voting, that I think that this is relatively simple and non-controversial.

"Are you on Youtube? And if you are, are you proud?"

halojones-fan said...

Dave Barry: "Dogs generally work by the principle that you should always eat everything that you find on the floor, because if it turns out not to be food you can just throw it back up later."

halojones-fan said...

Also: Jeff, stop sneaking down here to Cupertino and stealing turtles, you bastard. You can't fuck them. It chafes.


Anonymous said...

My dog has taken to chewing on cables. "Mmmm... tingly..."

Jeff, yain't never gonna please 'em all. You can be a Yaddle cosplay satanist with fiscally conservative leanings if that's your bag. Friggum all if they don't like it. You don't have to answer to anyone but yourself, your family, and your lord satan.

Now get back to work.

MSUSteve said...

My mom and dad have a dog that I love to death, but she is, in fact, pretty dumb. So yeah, dogs are mostly dumb. Also, I still miss my cat Kirby, and he's been gone for 2+ years now.

Slapshot said...

Owners pick their dogs, cats pick their owners.

Morris, 1987-2004

Unknown said...

Can you make sure this behavior of dogs is modelled in an upcoming Sims game?

Healy said...

Last Christmas, our Dog woke us up at 2am sitting on the edge of the bed like a crack head. He was buzzing around and panting. We go upstairs to discover that he had jumped up to the kitchen table and taken 4 packets of christmas fudge and eaten three of them (foil and all). The forth was stashed at the back of my wifes closet for later consumption.

We rushed him to the emergency hospital and he chose the car ride to throw up liquid chocolate all over the car. He still acts like a junkie every time he smells chocolate in the house. "Come on man....just a quick fix...it's no big deal...honestly...."

We still love the little bastard but I understand your frustration.

Slapshot said...

Jeff said:

"I think, regardless of our political affiliations, we can all agree that this young man should probably not have the right to vote in the upcoming election."

...or reproduce for that matter.

Unknown said...

I fell your pain, our Chihuaha (spelled wrng i know), does the same thing. Eats stuff all the time then she gets sick.....

Love the little shit but yeah im sure we all feel your pain.

halojones-fan said...

slapshot: From the looks of things, reproduction is no longer in this guy's future.

Anonymous said...

Jeff, I think that whole post was written in order for you to put that GIF on your blog :P

Anonymous said...

...you eat a lot of pasta

Unknown said...

That surf-board disaster reminded me of this a great example of Epic Fail: http://i35.tinypic.com/o9raxv.gif

Let's hope these guys don't reproduce!

oooooooooo said...

Did you train your dog by rewarding it with chap sticks?

Jeff Green said...

Yes, the purpose of this post was the GIF. You have seen through me. I tried to post it yesterday but failed.

And yes, I eat a lot of pasta.

I love pasta.

The Meehoo with an Exactlywatt said...

Was it flavours chap-stick? Because it'd totally get eating that.
Maybe she has Pica. One of Kirsten Bell's dog has Pica.


I love her.

Anonymous said...

Pasta rules the world. And dogs have a plan. They won't let you in on it, but trust me, they have a plan.

Mind you, if you're a fan of Shaun of the Dead you'll know that dogs can't look up, so there's two sides to this very enigmatic coin...

MrCHUPON said...

Sweet -- you got the GIFs working. Take THAT, Blogger!

SD said...

That gif is hilarious. Physical comedy just doesn't get old.

That and the element of surprise. Bam, surfboard in the guts!

Also, cats ...well, they don't eat so many odd things (curtain cords + tassels are the worst my cat has managed), but sometimes they just throw up randomly - once, in bed, at 4am... :(

Jeff Green said...

I could watch this GIF all day long. It represents some kind of comedy apex for me.

Dtrescott said...

Hopefully that guy never breeds...

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

This guy doesn't have the right to vote? He doesn't have the right to breed! What a moron. Unfortunately there are too many people like him living in this world.

Anthony said...

That gif IS chuffin' hilarious. The more I let it loop the closer to hysterical laughter I get. So I better close it now before my girlfriend begins to wonder about me... well, wonder more, I mean.

Unknown said...

I just wanted to thank you for reminding me why I dont have a pet.

Would it be controversial of me to wish it had landed a bit further away? You know, this gene pool and all.. :D

Good day to you!

Anonymous said...

silly dog, chapstick is for adults

Unknown said...

I was gonna leave a snide remark in regards to your political post today, but...I can't. You delivered so much entertainment with the podcast/live blogging etc, that I can do nothing but love you.

Those were the glory days, where did they go?

Anonymous said...

I have a question about the dog. Did the dog exhibit any signs of missing the cat? Did it go into some kind of doggy depression? Maybe the chapstick episode was actually a suicide attempt?

Is this some kind of desperate plea for help perhaps?

Anonymous said...

My dog has a tendency of tossing his kibble around. But when they land in his water bowl and he cannot reach it, he will simply lap up all the water until he reaches his kibble.

Anonymous said...

Your dog reminds me of my dog. It's cute, but stupid. It eats anything it can find.

John said...

You had ravioli again!?

Anonymous said...

Seems that Obama is a strong supporter of in-game advertising:


Ivan Cantu-Villarreal said...

Have any of your animals been in the roon or interrupted you and the wife whilst or before you got busy? Thats happen to me, and dogs are the worst when it comes to that.

Fuckin' dogs...

Anonymous said...

The best part is when you don't know your dog has done something stupid yet. Like when you pick them up, put them in your lap, and that cute little cough turns out to be some puke coming up onto your pants. It's awesome.

dLindner said...

catz should rule the pettish world.
Thank's God we could convince our girl that she was still too young for a dog.

Anonymous said...

Well apparently you were right Jeff. The McCain comment was actually funny. I know this because it was featured on the Daily Show last night, and right before the commercial break, so it must have been really funny. Everyone should go check it out, if you haven't already.

Vahe Isaganyan said...

Hahaha I knew you were going to have .gif in your next post :P

Anonymous said...

Cornbread is good.

Anonymous said...

I found my "comedy apex" last night


Laughed, cried, convulsed, and literally was incapacitated with amusement. Which is nice.

Anonymous said...

Dogs are...

I can not express my feelings with words. Thus I present to you an interpretive dance. (please pronounce as dance (d-awe-nce))


Anonymous said...

Maybe the humans that leave the bad stuff in accessible places are to blame, rather than the non-sentient canine? ;0)

Anonymous said...

Final proof about dogs: http://upsidedowndogs.com/

Salaryn's Sword said...

Dogs secretly rule the universe!

Behold the mighty beagle, puny human! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-3EyMPzMoo

In the second clip you have...where does that surf board hit the young man? Looks almost *too* painful.

MagnusMastah said...

My dog's about the same, except she seems to have a fetish for toothbrushes and toothpaste especially.

Oh yeah, and WILSON'S BACK! YAY!

Anonymous said...

Jeff I love you and you need to listen to Beirut if you haven't before.

Anonymous said...

The problem is that many people prefer toy breeds. Nothing wrong with that, small dogs are cute, not dangerous, and small. The problem often is that they have been bred to be cute and small, and all other qualities are ignored. Dogs have become so diverse due to humans harnessing their adaptability, its unfair to lump them all in together. Can you really compare a Shih Tzu to a Great Dane, or Bull Terrier? All three are dogs, three very different dimensions, temperament, and level of intelligence and ability to be trained.

Unknown said...

My dog is so stupid that if you cover her nose she'll open up her mouth and...not breath. You can see her tounge turn purple.

Breath through your damn mouth!

Anonymous said...

Oh, you're one of those iphone assholes now, great.

Well it was nice to know ya, bye.

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