Thursday, September 11, 2008

ATTENTION MORONS WHO BUY COFFEE AT THE PEETS ON 2ND AND MISSION

After you have purchased your coffee and poured your half-and-half/cream/milk/soy/urine/whatever into your cup, YOU DO NOT NEED TO KEEP STANDING AT THE LIQUID DISPENSARY BLOCKING EVERYONE ELSE FROM ALSO ACCESSING SAID LIQUIDS.

This morning, once again, some dillweed in a suit poured his milk in his cup, and then stood there, while two of us were behind him waiting to add to our own coffee drinks, daintily taste-testing his drink while yammering on his cell phone, as if he was standing in his own kitchen, oblivious to the seething hatred behind him.

Here's how it works: You pour your shit in your drink, and you move on. If you screwed up on the mixture, either suck it up, or QUICKLY pour more in and move the fuck on.

SOME OF US HAVE LIVES TO LEAD!




















Also: Good morning!

66 comments:

quicKsand said...

Good rant! Some people deserve bamboo shoots wedged beneath their fingernails. I wouldn't inflict that kind of pain on a selfish moran, but I sure would imagine it as I waited behind the jerk!

Alan B. said...

Finally, someone has had the courage to tackle this controversial issue head-on. Green '08!

protocolsnow said...

Agreed, it's about time we took a stand!

Dan said...

did you scream, "You're not the lord of the rings."? sorry...

Tydas said...

Just happened to me this morning...I tried to set an example by pouring my 1/2 - 1/2 and quickly moving to the side to stir. Alas, this merely gave room for two chatty wenches to block the way. What a bunch of greedy little apes we are…

Please keep it up! something interesting to read while I sit here in my veal fattening pen...

Tom P. said...

Man I wish it was still morning!
Instead, its 2 in the afternoon, and I'm getting ready for work :(

PolygonSlayer said...

Yeah. they do the same here in the UK as well. Damn people!

Jody said...

That is when you "acidentally" bump into him and spill your scalding hot coffee on his pretty suit. Hopefully he will be in too much pain to do anything back to you.

Ian said...

Amen my brotha, every morning I buy coffee and all I need is a lid for the cup, and those sleeves for the heat. But every time, some slow-mo is standing there chatting away on their cell phone stirring their coffee, while I stand there with a cup of FIRE in my hand.

Well enough is enough, get your pitchforks and torches and meet at the town square!

Gilberto said...

You know what I would do, Jeff? I fuckin' hit the fucker's cup to make all the coffee splash all over him... Then run away to not get a lawsuit...

>.<

1010110 said...

He probably pissed off the cashier. So next time, smile, and remember that some underpaid teenager probably spit in his coffee.

Felix said...

You know what I like to do in those situations... I like to look at the people around me in the line and give them that look that says "Can you believe this looser moran?!?!?" and then sigh loudly!

Yep, I get stuff done!!!

latinogamer said...

My apologies, I got lost in the moment...

Jeff said...

you should get one of those web page hits counters from 1996

http://www.website-hit-counters.com/

ian said...

file under "first world problems"

F16Freek said...

Man, what a moran....

morelli said...

Good morning Jeff! Well, not so good I guess... Here's what really bugs me: when people complain about standing in line. It's like pedestrian road-rage.

Jeff said...

4 Pints! ahh may I ask what kind of beer?

Kenneth said...

I like to be that guy at the free drink table in those places. Except I just grab an empty cup from the counter, and fill it up with milk.

Jeff Green said...

Sierra Nevada, on tap.

F16Freek said...

/\ good choice!!

Anonymous said...

Whatever, I do what I want

Dogooder said...

An anonymous internet fan agrees with your choice for favourite Bob Dylan album. You referenced two Grateful Dead songs in your 1up blog, do you have a favourite ablum live or otherwise?

Mat Murray said...

Did you try hitting him?

JLT said...

I agree with this monumental decision and this idea needs to be used for your next campaign.

halojones-fan said...

Hey, at least he didn't ask for ice in his espresso. The barista would have threatened to punch him in the dick. (Google it if you don't know what I'm talking about.)

"jeff": "you should get one of those web page hits counters from 1996"

Hehe, yeah, and a Link Button collection to go with it! Also put a "hosted on Geocities" as a subtitle.

PS Sierra Nevada? ecch. I prefer Yuengling, although there's no way to get it here in San Jose.

Wallace M. Fajardo said...

There is a coffee section at a store I work in as a clerk and there are people who quite literally take 10 mins to make their cup of coffee, and they do that every morning I am there. You would figure you would work out a routine by then and speed up the process.

halojones-fan said...

Oh, PS: the people who run "greenspeak.blogspot.com" are probably all like "what the fuck, we're getting all these hits all of a sudden..."

The Fraze said...

I so look forward to reading about your future exploits and accolades, Jeff. Sad to see you leave GFW, I don't even play computer games - but I respect you and the other guys so much that you've actually sparked my interest in video games, among the random music,reading and watching recommendations you guys throw out.

Good luck!

Adam

Matt said...

I approve this message.

Wayne said...

Remind me to never come between Jeff and his coffee!! LOL Funny story.

halojones-fan said...

Wow, "Deadhouse Gates"? I hope your wife is supportive, because there's a picture of that book in the dictionary next to the word 'downer'.

Have you read anything by Glen Cook? His first three 'Black Company' books are the mold in which Erikson's series is written.

Shabbir said...

This somewhat reminds me of the time Jeff Green jumped ahead of the queue at a convention when Shawn Elliot and someone else were waiting to get their tickets, while blabbering away on his mobile!

The Brodeo has all your secrets! :P

karen said...

I think urine is actually the secret ingredient in an Americano. Those Italians are so cheeky.

Cecil Vortex said...

Firstly, where the hell is Booger Patrol? (Or as my German translator might say, were he not recently deceased: "Zuerst weg, wo ist Booger-Patrouille?")

Secondly, I, um. OK, I don't got no secondly.
-Cecil

BlueRook said...

Might I suggest "posting up" like it was a basketball game. The cart is the lane, he is blocking your way to the net/sugar/milk/soy/urine etc. Just squeeze in and gently bump him out of the way. Sure he might get pissed at you, and maybe even say something, but know the other folks in line got your back.

cpe said...

I was watching Mad Men while I read this blog post, and I bet Don Draper has never waited in line for coffee in his life. Except -- oh wait. Don't know how far you are in the series yet.

Chadwin said...

It could always be worse. I shall always remember the fat guy holding up the line at 7-Eleven who was picking his nose. It's the middle of the fucking day, in a crowded 7-Eleven. I would much rather be the dude on the cell phone, I don't think I could live with myself if I was a dude picking my nose in a busy store. Mind you, some people just have no shame.

Rob said...

Aww, how cute, not a morning person eh? I drink my coffee black, that's why this would never happen to me.

By the way, do you have any plans during your short break before start your new job at EA?

Anonymous said...

Given all the coffee houses in SF, I think we should consider some sort of hobo code symbols so that we can leave marks to let everyone know which places have the idiot patrons (maybe a milk jug with an x in it or something)

I go to the Peets on 1st and Howard and the condiment bar (or whatever it's called) is always empty. (milk jug, no x symbol)

Oddjob said...

I wholeheartedly agree

Oddjob said...

...also, mmmm cornbread.

Anderson said...

People with cell phones and coffee are more important than stupid video whatever designers anyway, dork.

Ackbar said...

Off-topic: Darkness on the Edge of town is a fucking awesome album. The mention on the podcast made me go back and listen to it again.

Tristessa said...

The coffee shop I go to sometimes in the morning often has a blockade of people huddled around the pickup counter. They stand there creating a pile of people, meanwhile the area behind them has maybe 20 feet of empty space.

I like how they react when I look at the and say "excuse me". It usually involves then stepping forward 1 inch, to kindly let very skinny, possibly 2 dimensional people pass.

Some days I take this as an opportunity to just shove my through and politely thank them as I go =)

Chris Tilton said...

That's what happens when you live in Berkeley

Neil said...

Odd, I've never encountered this problem. Of course I don't drink the devil's black brew so who knows what other wonderful morning experiences I've missed out on. Still the day couldn't have ended to badly with 4 pints of Sierra Nevada to soothe your agitated nerves.

Beau Baxter Rosser said...

I'm following you now.

christopher hyde said...

I just heard you pick "John Wesley Harding" as your favorite Bob Dylan record which is the correct answer and yet another in a long line of reasons why you fucking rock.

Good luck with the new career, I'll mist your podcasting.

christopher hyde said...

or, um, "miss".

BadCandy_Confirmed said...

I just watched the video of your last Brodeo. I don't know why we didn't video all of them. I miss you already. All bad puns aside (Bad Candy, Confirmed!) I truly feel sad that you're gone. At least I get to read your rants here.

Flying Norseman said...

It would be cool to be able to set up situations like that in a game so then you could beat the snot out of idiots like that and not go to jail.

Glen said...

Man, it's like, what do you do in that situation? Do you walk up to the guy and say "Move it," risking a scream of obscenities to the face? Or do you stand there and let him take his sweet old time? Or do you take a middle-ground and surreptitiously scoot him out of the way?

It's issues like these that our very own Jeff Green tackles daily.

Scott Gunsaullus said...

Rage, rage, rage! The whole coffee accessory island thing confounds me as well. I think that the coffee places deliberately set those up in a counterintuitive location and layout, in order to psychologically discourage the use of cream and sugar. Cream and milk are more expensive than the actual coffee. That's why "room for cream" equals a tiny crack at the top of your cup. I always end up pouring 2-3 ounces of coffee into the waste basket to make room. I bet that annoys the shit out of the guy who has to take out the trash.

jwiv said...

You know, if you drank it black, you wouldn't have this problem.

John Rivett said...

Jeff Green = nothing stands between him and Turbano sugar.

www.moveonfucker.org

Jordan said...

Congrats with the new job!

BTW I know that guy in the suit that just stands there. I seem him all the time on my commute in NYC.

Not only does he hog the milk at Peets, he also stands in front of the subway doors even though half of the train is trying to exit and HE gets annoyed when we commuters have to bulldoze him aside to get out.

Oh, and I occasionally me and my fellow rush hour commuters have to walk up the stairs behind him and when he gets to the top he'll just, you know, STOP right there and check his cellphone~!?! Really? Real smooth Suit Guy w/ Cell.

.....woooo, thanks I needed to share that with people who understand.

Thank god for this rantry,
and thank god for Jeff Green!

Michael in NYC said...

God I love you Jeff!

thechosen2nd said...

Haha, I especially like "liquid Dispensary", it makes the coffee shop much more Orwellian.

Paul said...

Hmmm, iPhone and urinals. Cell phone and coffee. Jeff Green hates technology.

Anonymous said...

Your first problem, Jeff, is trying to ruin a cup of joe by adding milk, or anything. Real men drink their's black - oh, I just figured it out.

I'm also upset at the email racism, I have to have a google account to get a username. For shame - unite Yahoo users!

H

spunkV said...

Yay! My first visit to your new blog, and it's off to a good start.
I really dislike stupid people...

xian said...

doy! ever heard of "jostling"?

Jake Mix said...

This is why I go to the Peet's on 1st and Howard ;)

mario66 said...

..funny i was thinking same thing this AM

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